Eibon Films Horror, Fantasy and SciFi writer / filmmaker and friend of the weird

24May/160

What ‘six months’ can mean

Time slips away from you and then, before you know it, half a year has passed and you’re no further forward creatively than you were before. And you’re no happier, in fact on many levels you’re much worse. The only difference between then and now is that it’s warmer and the sun has chased the permanent Swedish gloom away and replaced it with leaves and greenery; oh and I lost the most important person in my life. Yeah that.

Right after I had set my plans for this creative year and attempted to move forward with them, and a few months into executing some of them and on the cusp of publishing my first Kindle release, I received news that my father was diagnosed with a second cancer; a blight on him that was much more hateful and aggressive than the one they’d found the year before. And unlike the operable tumour of 2015 - one that took me a while to recover from emotionally enough to consider creating again - this one was totally untreatable. It was exactly around the time that we were expecting to hear that he had the all clear and was in remission, and we were all looking forward to better things. Although the doubt was always there, it was never supposed to be like this. It floored me. Everyone took the news badly.

Although I was able to fulfil the demands of my day job and I’ve been able to keep it mostly together, I’ve been unable to pursue any creative endeavours. All of my thoughts were for his care and for somehow trying to spend as much time with him as possible - which is no mean feat from a different country entirely. But we tried.

Sadly, one month ago almost to the day, my father passed away. I won’t and can’t really go into that in a public forum or truly communicate what I’m feeling or the surprising depth of my anger at that bastard cancer and the way that it happened, or share the details of the bureaucratic fuckery - the fallout to this - which is still to be overcome. But I think you can understand the impact of something like this in your life. And I think you can grasp the hole it leaves inside you when you lose someone so special. Let alone the strength it needs to get up and get through a day, and support others who are also grieving when you can.

It’s too soon to tackle anything seriously creative or consider committing myself to any large undertaking this year. Every time I catch myself looking forward I’m struck by an absence and other thoughts that take me out of my stride and knock me down. It’s fine, I’ve been through this before and not just once. I know this is natural. I will keep on keeping on. I am very much here and these feelings will run their course and will never go and I would not want them to. I will be able to work on something challenging eventually. Right now I’m simply concerned with baby steps: get up, wash, eat, exercise, work, eat, sleep, repeat. I’m making notes of new ideas. I’m letting things germinating. I’m distracting myself with pictures of shiny camera / film related toys, for a future project. But I’m living in a mental place that, right now, means no London Screenwriter’s Forum for me this year, putting things on hold until I’m ready to tackle them and waiting. As for nanowrimo etc and my novels, well they’ll just have to wait. I might as well push this year’s goals into next year…

I just wanted to explain my absence.

There will be other things of note. There will be better things - there bloody better be! We’ve all lost too many shining stars this year, too many greats - irrespective of my own losses - and there won’t be any more if we all stopped creating.

Check back here when you can. And say hi. When I can I will share what other activities I’ve been up to. They’re things that relate to writing and filmmaking and self-improvement. And I think that they’ll be of use to you - even if they might seem a little indirect.

And I just might surprise you… eventually.

To anyone I know who’s reading this - thanks for all of your support. It means a lot to know I’m not alone.

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